in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
