Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
