I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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