I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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