this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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