I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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