I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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