I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
