Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize