there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I wish there were birth control emojis
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Randomize
