fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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