Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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