True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
