i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
