remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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