This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
