Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
FUCK WHALES
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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