i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
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