I didn't shave. On purpose
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
