She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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