I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
