My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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