Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
