We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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