ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
