Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
