I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
