I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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