Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
