I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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