just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Randomize