I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
