i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Randomize
