my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
