The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
