Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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