cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
