Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
