I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
