I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
