i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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