birth control should be required to get into college
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
