just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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