No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
