i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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