she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Randomize
