Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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