he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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