I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
