You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
