whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Less talking, more tequila
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
