I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
