just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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