I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
